Rolling the Ball

Shadow.

I love when dogs sniff the air like this.

I get these tingles, this sense of things to come. I love the look of abandon and peace, leaning into the wind, face up to receive these little notes from the future blowing all around us.

I've fallen behind, but no matter. I knew it would happen and no sense letting it further slow me down.

This is a principle I've been enacting/ abiding by (? something along those lines) or at least trying to enact and abide by the last number of years.

To err is human- i.e. fall into same old traps, make choices we told ourselves we wouldn't, neglect things or people we care about, promises we've made to ourselves and others, and on and on.

But believing that this makes you a certain sort of person is completely unhelpful.

 Example- "I got drunk in an attempt to deal with weird or bad feelings, because I am a shitty person and a drunk. It's what I do."

Allowing yourself to believe bad things about how you are can end up being an excuse to perpetuate that behavior. Why hold yourself to higher standards if you don't believe you can? Why treat yourself better if you don't believe you deserve it?

Owning our mistakes is being responsible. 

Internalizing them and letting them pull us into the pit of despair.....

Not helpful.

But I digress.  

Slide guitar.

What an excellent sound.

It's beyond refreshing to find people here in Minneapolis who love such things, and games, and 4 Square. Why didn't I follow up, seek out game nights? I think the weather had things to do with it.

It must've been the endish of May, meeting these folks, and Griffin was sick, had been sick. 

It was such a breath of fresh air to sit around and listen to good music of just the kind I like being played by excellent folks right here in MN.

I had a feeling it was here. I just hadn't found it yet.

I've been neglecting music terribly. It's fallen from my priorities, and there it stays. Partly because the less you play the worse you get, believe it or not, and doing something well makes it oh so much more fun. 

Boo urns.

It's not too late.

It's not too late!!

So quick to give up.

The task of writing about a photograph, especially one from a specific and different time can be challenging when there are present things far more closely on your mind.

How to bridge the two?

Again, I think the thing to do is be writing anyhow, but the clouds of current emotions are hanging around like bees!

Sweat bees, not the lovely kind that I don't want to disappear from the earth.

Wouldn't that be a terrible thing? No more bees or butterflies?

Sweet Lynn. Bless her passionate heart.

Upper Paw Paw, North Carolina, 2012

I remember when I took this photo I imagined calling it "Escape from Babylon". So let's call it that.

I adore this particular gnarly tree on this land. I'm having a hard time knowing what to call it right now, this particular chunk. Kate & Shu's? Rob & Leslie's? The Stilwell place? I guess they're all appropriate but none seem quite right at the moment.

I don't know exactly what I imagine when I look at those strands of wool hanging there on the barbed wire- some harrowing attempt, nearly successful, to escape these confines and go.....? Is barbed wire rather pleasant for scratching unreachable itches for sheep?
I remember it was quite a gray day, this would have been February, and I had a full heart. I think my thoughts and feelings about this sight were more vaguely tragic and pseudo profound than farcical.

I remember seeing it finally and thinking it didn't really turn out. But looking at it now, I rather like it.


I'd like to come back to this image, to these thoughts.

Why did I let myself get so irrationally flustered? Anger/ frustration can grab on and just squeeze your arteries, redirecting your flow! (there's a very particular sketch in my mind of this very thing happening that doesn't transcribe as clearly as it seems it should!)

So it's March now then.

Another instance of making use of small minutes!


The air is changing, but it's confusing. The sun, the sounds, they are deceiving. Spring is coming, they say, and it is.

But not yet.

The air is frigid still. Cooling down as quickly and shockingly as it warmed up as soon as the sun disappears. 

Maybe it feels colder in the times because it's nearly impossible to resist the urge to under dress when the sun is shining so brightly outside of your window and you can heard the birds awake and alive and loud!

Our brain is funny- the power of patterns and associations incredible! How desperately we seek to understand! To draw conclusions, to recognize and internalize patterns. Very helpful, it can be, and also quite. Not. 

Speaking of desperation....I am just yeaarrrning for good snows before the grey slush times come! 

And I wont un-wish it if there's snow through April! So! 

Ha!

I say with conviction now.

Shenanigans

Griffin, Jasper, Kolby & Scarlett

Outside of Boise, ID

August, 2014

I think Scarlett's face is the best thing about this picture. Sometimes people and animals turn into cartoons for a little while, and not always because you're on drugs.

I wish I took more pictures on this day, but what's the point in that?

I selected this picture for today with the very scientific closed eyes point and click method. I don't have a lot of time so attempting to get over the thinking too much thing and just use the time I have goddammitt!

This is a pretty characteristic Griffin and Jasper moment. The truth is this was a heavy feeling day. I was definitely ready to have as un-fun of a time as I could manage while doing fun things with people I love.

I am not the only one who uses silliness to deal. 

It took. So. Long. To actually leave to go swimming. But we made good use of the last of the day's light and caught a pretty great sunset. 

Have you ever ridden in a fully occupied '89 Toyota 4Runner without a camper back on a windy summer day through the mountains? Did I mention the 4Runner is painted camoflauge and I was wearing sunglasses?

It's a distinct feeling.

Dairy Queen cheese curds are horrible, but surprising me with them was a sweet gesture on Griffin's part. Things did not feel very sweet between us at this time.

I really appreciated Jasper being a friend to me when I was in Idaho that week. 

Sometimes you just need to feel seen. To have somebody else know things, know someone, and love them, and understand.  

Kolby's been very much on my mind and heart lately. How can you bear it? What can I do?? Sometimes life is shockingly unfair.  Where to file tragedy.....

These are good people with big hearts and easy smiles and lots of sadness.

Jess

This lady has a very particular and lasting place in my heart.

 

St. Paul, June, 2013

She also generally loathes pictures of herself, but the black and white bike image is magical because she likes it. We (collective small group effort) built my Frankenbike that day (and the previous day), and I rode away on it shortly after dusk.
Later that night, high on empowerment and bike riding adrenaline, I went for some river rock/ bridge climbing adventures with a buddy and climbed higher than I normally would have. It was great except I broke my foot climbing back down.
My foot was still broken that summer when I left for North Carolina and the blueberry harvest in Maine, so the bike sat unridden through till February.



We have known each other uncomfortably well. We still do, I believe.
Sometimes that has made distance or difficulty in relating a far more sensitive issue than it might ordinarily be.
It can be rather terrifying to have someone know you so well, and you them, especially if you fear some (slight) misunderstanding has taken place.

We learned and saw a lot of things for the first time together. That can be a vulnerable thing. We lived out of her car together for 4 months when we were 21 and both needed to get the F out of D.
And that was only the beginning of it all.

Maine Coast at last, for the first time! 2009

It's a special thing how much you can learn about your self getting to know someone really, really well.
Jessica and I had a sparky relationship from fairly early on. Sparky in the way that things zing when understanding happens in a new and unexpected place. HOLY SHIT I know exactly what you're talking about!!! ....is kind of how it went for us. And it was loud, and excited, and wordy.

                             

Pennsylvania, 2009

We went for a lot of walk and talks and said Totally a lot. Later on we went through different phases of exploring new ways to say or emphasize Totally to recapture or re-spice it's effectiveness as Affirmation and Agreement.
And in discovering so many ways in which we related in our sameness we also found out how profoundly different we are.     Trite as that sounds (to me, re-reading that last sentence now), I can't delete it because it's true true true. That process can be really fun and really horrible, both validating and confidence shaking, heart wrenching and hilarious!

My god, people are Different than each other!! Who knew??

Delaware, 2009

Jess and I have had great adventures together. We can get ourselves into ridiculous situations and varying degrees of actual peril and absurdity and have a rip-roarin' good time. I think we both get off a little bit on hardship (whatever that means exactly) and have mostly delighted in our misadventures.
We've unlocked secret, sacred kingdoms together.

Because of the especially close nature of our friendship, people have often asked us if we were "together"

April, 2012

Yeah sure, of course we're together. 

Traveling through life side by side for a time.

 We've had a lot more distance this last while, space between us, time space and miles. We were preparing for that for a while. It was pretty difficult at times. But things seem to keep happening just the right way, and things we once knew were true but then got all doubtful of along the way, seem to still be true.
Growing can be a really painful thing.

We still find a very particular and idiosyncratic brand of understanding with each other. Profound and nonsensical.

                                                                Totally, totally, totally.